Sweet! A quarter!

So, I sit here, on a Saturday evening, sipping an 'adult beverage' at club B&N, where the latest fads leap from the pages of trend-setting publications; where only the coolest of the cool may be found. Or, something like that... I actually come here to feel sociable, since every person that I care to spend any amount of time around is either in a different state (or 'state') or in another country (or likely, somewhere afloat in-between). Somehow sitting at home alone feels more pathetic than sitting in public alone, which is exactly what I've ended up doing; I managed to find the last of the 'comfy' chairs available, which just so happened to be the one that was not situated near a table and other chairs, where at least I could see other people and pretend not to be bothered by their presence. No, this chair, as filthy and snot-covered as any of the rest of them (probably moreso, as its solidarity likely leads to people thinking no one is looking, and possibly digging that much deeper), is situated against a pillar, which I assume is holding up the roof, but also housing a 110v outlet (score!), and directly facing a bookshelf full of science related books. The shelf is just far enough away that I can fully extend my legs to stretch out and get comfortable, neglecting the fact that it is the only thoroughfare for this particular section, so I must sit with my legs tucked up against the snot-covered chair, or risk tripping someone with my larger than average feet. Ah well, I'm out of the house, at least...

My mind has been wandering (and wondering) a bit lately, especially with the lack of meaningful human interaction. I 'talk' to people constantly, just part of being human, and being around other humans, but I miss having something meaningful to talk about. By meaningful, I mean that type of communication that produces some sort of strong emotion, like hope, or love, or sense of belonging. Gah, it's amazing how much a person can be missed in only a few short days. While tending to my lawn today (which I've described as possibly third on my list of 'best thinking places/times' following #1- in the shower and #2- on a good run, which unfortunately has been missing as of late as well), I had a few 'future' thoughts and some present, that I just could not shake. One of them, completely new and seemingly random, though I think it may have been subconciously brewing for quite a while. I think the reason the lawn mowing, etc. is such a good time for in-depth thought, is the completely overbearing noise, blocking out everything else in the world, coupled with the utter monotony of the incessant back-and-forth motion, creating a kind of mindless, meditative trance. Easy to think about everything else when you must dedicate nearly zero attention to the task at hand. Which makes me think that I could never have a job that boring and monotonous- I'd think myself crazy, digging a hole to China, or possibly figure out world peace, a cure for cancer, or how to cap the oil well in the gulf...

Of the 'future' thoughts, and the recurring ones, which I suppose are one in the same, I've come to a strange (for me) place in my life, where I'm actually happy, and looking forward to the future. I say strange, because it's different, abnormal even, for me. I can just barely remember the last time I felt this way. I felt I had a purpose, direction, a way ahead, and that there was a chance, if ever so slight, that I might actually overcome my under-achieving nature and make something meaningful out of my existence, possibly finding happiness in that fulfillment. I took a long break from those ideals, in pursuit of other, seemingly selfless ventures, only to find myself more lost than ever(<-boy, that's a cyclical statement). As of late, the old positive feelings have returned, and stranger than ever, I'm ok with whatever path I continue down. I know that no matter where I go or what I do, everything is going to be ok. Better than ok, even. Life is gonna be great. I have, amongst the thoughts of the future, and all of the wonderful things that I foresee (and how beautiful it is!), managed to see myself in a place I never dreamed, at least not until recently. I've been getting the feeling that something I've been dreading may, in fact, be exactly what I need. Without being overly cryptic (or revealing, this is the anonymous internet after-all), I'll clue you in to the fact that I'm not as apprehensive about returning to my old job as I once was. Actually, I think I'm kinda (eek) excited at the prospect. I'm getting used to the idea of returning to the fold, positive attitude renewed, new skill sets in place, ready to use my experience and talents to make some positive changes. We'll see if that ever actually happens, or if it does, how quickly the wind is knocked from my sails, but for now, I'm actually ok with the idea. Seems like a good 'fit'. I'm also not closing any other doors, just making sure if there's one open, that I'm poised to take advantage of it...

The other really weird, off the wall, out of left field thoughts from today's 'meditation' involve the urge to do something about what I see as a completely preventable tragedy. I know it's not my place, but I don't see anyone else trying to do anything about it. I see children afraid to say anything, or not knowing how or what to say, a husband at his wit's end, unwilling to try any longer, and a desperate woman, lost in her own selfish desires, not fully understanding the consequences and repercussions of her actions. Somehow, I know, or as close to knowing without actually experiencing, that if someone just showed her, told her how foolish, how insane and ridiculous this whole scenario is, that she would try, at the very least, try to do the right thing. Not be a hypocrite. Not alienate her family. Not tear down the foundation of her children's faith. I know it's not my place. I'd probably be laughed out of the room. It just seems to me that no one else is doing anything. Just standing by, watching the train wreck in slow motion...

As I re-read this mess of a thought stew, I realize there's no possible way, without a complete re-write, to make this any more coherent or less disjointed. I just hope that amidst the ridiculousness there is some small insight into the thoughts buzzing through my mind. Make of it what you will. I do know one thing I can state very clearly: I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to bounce these silly ideas off of, to speak my mind to, and have spoken in return. I miss the contagious smile (and yawn). I miss sharing everything, even the things we're not ready for, or comfortable with, or selfishly guarding, or selflessly protecting. I look hopefully toward the future, no matter what may come, no matter where. The world could fall to pieces around me, and I know everything will be fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. For now, I'll do what I can to further the cause, which means reading yet another leadership book (graduate school is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be) in my sticky, smelly, booger-covered chair. It's not all bad though- as I sat down, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glipmse of a quarter, stuffed down between the cushion and armrest, which I was almost afraid to reach for, out of fear of the unknown lurking in the chair. I went for it. Figured I'd better seize the opportunity before someone else does; eight more and I will have paid for my coffee...

My thoughts exactly...

That reminds me, um, a few? (three-ish)

Pooh - Not poo. Of 'Winnie the' fame. Though, I supppose h-less poo could be a good reminder as well, as I understand there is a certain affinity...

Calvin - Of 'and Hobbes' fame. Always brings thoughts of a precocious little hellion with a faux-hawk. But, interestingly enough, his name is most certainly NOT Calvin...

YIM chime - Much like the Microsoft Outlook chime, only more Wheel-of-Fortune-ish. Always makes me wanna buy a vowel. The really nice thing about it, as opposed to the mail, that could be signaling any number of rando-pointless-work-related-drivel, is that I know EXACTLY who is contacting me when I hear it. Those are skipped heartbeats that I'll not see again, 'til the next time my pulse is quickened by the sender...

Silvery-grey Altimas - Wholly crap- these things are everywhere. Seems they keep multiplying. Unfortunately, on a normal day-to-day basis, all the ones around here have LA plates. Hope to see that change soon...

Bottoms of plastic cups - Oddest thing. Apparently(!) there is some huge plastic cup manufacturer in OKC. Who knew? I do- finishing a glass of tea at lunch has never been so pleasurable...

Stars - Specifically on a clear night, when you can see the night sky clearly. I usually look for, as I like to call it, 'The Little Dipper', or 'Ursa Minor', or 'Little Bear' or whatever you wanna call it... :)

Placing my car in 'P' - You know, that annoying little rocking motion your car makes when you stop, place the selector in park, then release the brake. I usually like to make tire-screeching noises with my mouth as I stop...

Looking ahead through the rear-view

I spent my time this morning in the shower- one of the places/times I do my best thinking- semi-reflecting on the past week and all the chaos that it has brought, which led to thoughts of the last year and how far I've come since this time last. Reminds me of the old Chinese proverb/curse (I assume it's old and Chinese, though probably made up sometime later- no matter, it fits) "May you live in interesting times."

Man, has this been an interesting year. It began innocently enough, settling into a new-ish job, finally getting used to the insane travel schedule. Shortly thereafter, I made a foolish proposal to a woman I should have never given a moment of my time other than to say "Nice to meet you" and carried on about my business. Unfortunately, and obviously, it went a little further than that. Five years of wasted time, effort, and energy, letting far too many hopes and dreams fall by the wayside, for something neither of us ever really wanted. Thankfully, the proposed union never came to fruition, though it leaves me now, one year later, embroiled (what a great word) in a 'battle'-of-sorts with said woman over the details of the custody/care of our children. Blech. So tired of dealing with it- and her. But, the reality is, this will continue for some time. I can only hope that it gets better, but it will never end, there will always be ties to this soul-sucking leech.

Amidst the re-diculousness that is my personal affairs, I have also had a bit of a personal 'revival'. This is due in no small part to a couple of good friends I met this year. One of them, quite possibly one of the most beautiful, amazing creatures ever placed on this Earth, though she has no idea-- too far beaten-down and battered by a combination of outside forces and her own self-deprecation to see her true potential. I aim to fix that, or at the very least, alleviate some of that burden. Wouldn't want her ego getting too far out-of-control...

Also this past summer, near the peak (or the depth) of my world-shattering change, I found my Saviour. I found God. Or maybe He found me. Maybe I just finally started paying attention. I have a good feeling He was there all-along, giving me ample opportunity to accept Him into my life. I can actually recall many instances where He presented Himself to me, but I just wasn't ready, for whatever reason. Well, I'm ready now. I welcome You into my life and into my heart, Lord. I know I've made a mess of things, but through Your forgiveness and with the aid of Your strength, I will put this life back on the track it was meant to follow.

Looking at how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go, I understand that it behooves me to have positive influences in my life. Despite my best efforts, some of the negativity cannot be avoided. The aforementioned necessity of presence of certain characters in this charade forces the issue. There are those people, despite your best efforts, that will always try to drag you down. They know where your buttons are. They know how to press them. Your weaknesses. Your vulnerabilities. Ever trying to drag you back into the steaming pit that is their misery. We mustn't allow it. We must persevere. We must prevail. Like that of the phoenix- from the ashes of ruin...

That reminds me, too...

My diswasher - Every time I load it. I am still amazed that there is someone in this world that agrees with me on how to do it properly. I just assumed that it was naturally one of those things that people always disagree on...

The aforementioned stack o' books - Many of them purchased based on recommendations, or products of expanded interest based on suggestions. I think the pile grows faster than it shrinks...

iPhone charging cord - a stretch, I know. I actually wish it would; they are just too short. Reminds me of the countless hours spent lying on the floor to be near the electrical outlet before discovering the neat-o invention of the extension cord...

My shampoo bottle - brings me back to the insatiable urge to groom. Well, I suppose it could be satisfied, but not currently, without busting through at least a few moral barriers. Sigh... washing my own hair is so boring...

My Camelback bottle - The no longer re-diculously tiny version. It has been since upgraded to the larger version. No over-compensation here- it is the medium sized one- not the uber-huge-fits-in-no-cup-holder-ever-made version...

Little blue cube - There it sits. Taunting me. "Open me" it says. "No" says I. Not until Christmas. Will the day EVER arrive? Maybe I'll open it on Christmas eve. Funny, this torture is completely self-induced...

Darth Tater - I totally caved. Picked up the Spud-Trooper for a friend. Darth is now the guardian of my desk at work. I am tempted (read: it will most likely occur) to go back and acquire the entire collection including Artoo-Potatoo...

My knee - as I sit typing this, my chin rests squarely atop my right knee, arms wrapped around my leg in a pseudo-hugging fashion. At no other time does my body feel the urge to contort itself into this position...

Desktop icon - there is a random thumbnail pic of some flowers sitting in a hotel room that was, what seems like eons ago, saved to my desktop. It is still there, every time I log on or minimize the window I'm working in. Hmmm, they could probably stand a replacement soon...

The rain - especially when it is quiet, like it is now, and raining. I can hear the drops hitting the ground outside, providing a soothing backdrop for lingering thoughts as I head off to dream of a day when I won't have to dream...

It's become apparent to me that it's about time

So, I've decided that it's time to retire. I'm not referring to bed, though it is surely that time as well, since 'me' time comes only after the children are tucked away, sleeping soundly, but to the more commonly used definition of the term. I am ready to retire from my job. There is a laundry list of reasons why, but I'll focus just on the one that is driving the madness today.

Most would think, "Ah, he wants to retire, so that he can lazy around, doing nothing all day." Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm the type who likes to feel productive, so lazy-ing around the house, making a personalized dent in the sofa cushion would not be me at all. Therein lies the problem. My job gets in the way of my productivity. Seems backward don't it? You see, there's a TON of things I'd rather be doing than sitting in my cube, feeling ineffectual, scratch that- BEING ineffectual. I'd love to be able to spend more time with my kids. I love to be able to finish(or start) some projects around the house. I'd love to have some more time to actually further my skill at the guitar that sits in the corner of my bedroom collecting dust. I'd love to have time to finish reading some of the stacks of books I have waiting for me. I'd love more time to go to the gym, go for a run, work in the yard, wash my car, cook an actual meal, paint a room, do some laundry, nurture my social life, work on graduate studies, study my bible, etc., ad infinitum... But I don't.

There seems to be only two solutions to the seemingly simple problem: quit my job, or quit sleeping. Both take up equal portions of my day, but one is a necessity. Well, I suppose depending on how you look at it, both could be construed as necessary, but for different reasons. I suppose you need a job, unless you wanna be a bum(or hobo? I'm not sure of the PC term...) which I don't know if I'm totally averse to. I'd have plenty of time on my hands to do the things I enjoy, but no ends with which to accomplish them. On the other hand, if I were to give up sleep, there is no end to the problems that I would cause for myself. Well, I suppose there would be a physical end- I would die an early, pointless death due to sleep depravation either by physically not being able to survive, or more likely, stumbling out in front of a bus (or similar ridiculous circumstance) due to the inability to function in society. So, not sleeping is definitely out. Not ready to die yet.

So, the only reasonable explanation left is that I must quit my job. Now, to figure out that pesky monetary issue... Hmmm. Maybe I should just stop trying to do so much. Or budget my time a little better. Set some priorities and chip away at the rest as time allows. Those ideas seem a little less extreme and actually plausible. Whatever- I'll think about it. Makes too much sense to be given any real consideration. I do know this. It IS time to retire- to my bed- the effects of sleep depravation are more than I'm willing to suffer at this point, unless it's for a good cause-- there are certain things I would always trade for sleep...

Hmmm... that reminds me...

The Geico Cavemen - You know, the ad where they're bowling. Kinda makes me smile and frown at the same time, if that's possible- 'least that's how it feels on the inside- no tellin' what my face is actually doing...

Mr. Potato Head - The Star Wars version. Was walking through Toys'R'Us and saw him in the white knight get up. They had an R2 and a Darth Tater as well. Took a lot of willpower to leave him there...

My iPod - Basically every song in it. Sometimes I think it can read my thoughts, but I think it may be a little biased based on user preference...

Lubriderm Lotion - When applied to my dried-and-cracking from the winter-cold knuckles. Funny thing, if I would just apply it before-hand, I wouldn't have the problem in the first place...

Christmas Stockings - The fact that there are four nails, but only three stockings hanging...

Bananas - When they are in that 'just right' region of edibility, neither too green nor too brown. Unfortunately mine are in the too brown category once again. The window of opportunity is just so small. Prolly still good for pancakes...

Fluffernutters - Though not always called by their proper name, a tasty treat just the same...

The Mirror - A friend once gave me the compliment "You're hot." I still don't get it. That reminds me, I really should go to the gym...

My Overly Fluffy Pillow - aka OFP. Every morning, and every night- there it lies, or lays, or whatever it is that inanimate objects do...

My iPhone - Specifically the suggestion it makes to me whenever I type in the first seven letters of my bank account username...

Microsoft Outlook - The chime. I swear my heartbeat hastens at the sound of it. Bit of a Pavlovian salivation, I know. Still gets me every time...

A Good Run - Usually the ones where I feel like quitting early, but don't. It's past the threshold of mental anguish where true clarity lies- 'cruise-control' allows some of my best thinking...

My Passenger Seat - Where my right hand inadvertently falls every time I sit down to drive. I've become accustomed to driving primarily left-handed- I think it's one of the few things I can actually do with my 'other' hand...

Starbucks - The smell of this place is fantastic- they say your sense of smell has the strongest link to memory. I believe I may have developed a slight addiction- I blame Pedro...