So, I sit here, on a Saturday evening, sipping an 'adult beverage' at club B&N, where the latest fads leap from the pages of trend-setting publications; where only the coolest of the cool may be found. Or, something like that... I actually come here to feel sociable, since every person that I care to spend any amount of time around is either in a different state (or 'state') or in another country (or likely, somewhere afloat in-between). Somehow sitting at home alone feels more pathetic than sitting in public alone, which is exactly what I've ended up doing; I managed to find the last of the 'comfy' chairs available, which just so happened to be the one that was not situated near a table and other chairs, where at least I could see other people and pretend not to be bothered by their presence. No, this chair, as filthy and snot-covered as any of the rest of them (probably moreso, as its solidarity likely leads to people thinking no one is looking, and possibly digging that much deeper), is situated against a pillar, which I assume is holding up the roof, but also housing a 110v outlet (score!), and directly facing a bookshelf full of science related books. The shelf is just far enough away that I can fully extend my legs to stretch out and get comfortable, neglecting the fact that it is the only thoroughfare for this particular section, so I must sit with my legs tucked up against the snot-covered chair, or risk tripping someone with my larger than average feet. Ah well, I'm out of the house, at least...
My mind has been wandering (and wondering) a bit lately, especially with the lack of meaningful human interaction. I 'talk' to people constantly, just part of being human, and being around other humans, but I miss having something meaningful to talk about. By meaningful, I mean that type of communication that produces some sort of strong emotion, like hope, or love, or sense of belonging. Gah, it's amazing how much a person can be missed in only a few short days. While tending to my lawn today (which I've described as possibly third on my list of 'best thinking places/times' following #1- in the shower and #2- on a good run, which unfortunately has been missing as of late as well), I had a few 'future' thoughts and some present, that I just could not shake. One of them, completely new and seemingly random, though I think it may have been subconciously brewing for quite a while. I think the reason the lawn mowing, etc. is such a good time for in-depth thought, is the completely overbearing noise, blocking out everything else in the world, coupled with the utter monotony of the incessant back-and-forth motion, creating a kind of mindless, meditative trance. Easy to think about everything else when you must dedicate nearly zero attention to the task at hand. Which makes me think that I could never have a job that boring and monotonous- I'd think myself crazy, digging a hole to China, or possibly figure out world peace, a cure for cancer, or how to cap the oil well in the gulf...
Of the 'future' thoughts, and the recurring ones, which I suppose are one in the same, I've come to a strange (for me) place in my life, where I'm actually happy, and looking forward to the future. I say strange, because it's different, abnormal even, for me. I can just barely remember the last time I felt this way. I felt I had a purpose, direction, a way ahead, and that there was a chance, if ever so slight, that I might actually overcome my under-achieving nature and make something meaningful out of my existence, possibly finding happiness in that fulfillment. I took a long break from those ideals, in pursuit of other, seemingly selfless ventures, only to find myself more lost than ever(<-boy, that's a cyclical statement). As of late, the old positive feelings have returned, and stranger than ever, I'm ok with whatever path I continue down. I know that no matter where I go or what I do, everything is going to be ok. Better than ok, even. Life is gonna be great. I have, amongst the thoughts of the future, and all of the wonderful things that I foresee (and how beautiful it is!), managed to see myself in a place I never dreamed, at least not until recently. I've been getting the feeling that something I've been dreading may, in fact, be exactly what I need. Without being overly cryptic (or revealing, this is the anonymous internet after-all), I'll clue you in to the fact that I'm not as apprehensive about returning to my old job as I once was. Actually, I think I'm kinda (eek) excited at the prospect. I'm getting used to the idea of returning to the fold, positive attitude renewed, new skill sets in place, ready to use my experience and talents to make some positive changes. We'll see if that ever actually happens, or if it does, how quickly the wind is knocked from my sails, but for now, I'm actually ok with the idea. Seems like a good 'fit'. I'm also not closing any other doors, just making sure if there's one open, that I'm poised to take advantage of it...
The other really weird, off the wall, out of left field thoughts from today's 'meditation' involve the urge to do something about what I see as a completely preventable tragedy. I know it's not my place, but I don't see anyone else trying to do anything about it. I see children afraid to say anything, or not knowing how or what to say, a husband at his wit's end, unwilling to try any longer, and a desperate woman, lost in her own selfish desires, not fully understanding the consequences and repercussions of her actions. Somehow, I know, or as close to knowing without actually experiencing, that if someone just showed her, told her how foolish, how insane and ridiculous this whole scenario is, that she would try, at the very least, try to do the right thing. Not be a hypocrite. Not alienate her family. Not tear down the foundation of her children's faith. I know it's not my place. I'd probably be laughed out of the room. It just seems to me that no one else is doing anything. Just standing by, watching the train wreck in slow motion...
As I re-read this mess of a thought stew, I realize there's no possible way, without a complete re-write, to make this any more coherent or less disjointed. I just hope that amidst the ridiculousness there is some small insight into the thoughts buzzing through my mind. Make of it what you will. I do know one thing I can state very clearly: I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to bounce these silly ideas off of, to speak my mind to, and have spoken in return. I miss the contagious smile (and yawn). I miss sharing everything, even the things we're not ready for, or comfortable with, or selfishly guarding, or selflessly protecting. I look hopefully toward the future, no matter what may come, no matter where. The world could fall to pieces around me, and I know everything will be fine. Better than fine. Wonderful. For now, I'll do what I can to further the cause, which means reading yet another leadership book (graduate school is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be) in my sticky, smelly, booger-covered chair. It's not all bad though- as I sat down, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glipmse of a quarter, stuffed down between the cushion and armrest, which I was almost afraid to reach for, out of fear of the unknown lurking in the chair. I went for it. Figured I'd better seize the opportunity before someone else does; eight more and I will have paid for my coffee...
