Looking ahead through the rear-view

I spent my time this morning in the shower- one of the places/times I do my best thinking- semi-reflecting on the past week and all the chaos that it has brought, which led to thoughts of the last year and how far I've come since this time last. Reminds me of the old Chinese proverb/curse (I assume it's old and Chinese, though probably made up sometime later- no matter, it fits) "May you live in interesting times."

Man, has this been an interesting year. It began innocently enough, settling into a new-ish job, finally getting used to the insane travel schedule. Shortly thereafter, I made a foolish proposal to a woman I should have never given a moment of my time other than to say "Nice to meet you" and carried on about my business. Unfortunately, and obviously, it went a little further than that. Five years of wasted time, effort, and energy, letting far too many hopes and dreams fall by the wayside, for something neither of us ever really wanted. Thankfully, the proposed union never came to fruition, though it leaves me now, one year later, embroiled (what a great word) in a 'battle'-of-sorts with said woman over the details of the custody/care of our children. Blech. So tired of dealing with it- and her. But, the reality is, this will continue for some time. I can only hope that it gets better, but it will never end, there will always be ties to this soul-sucking leech.

Amidst the re-diculousness that is my personal affairs, I have also had a bit of a personal 'revival'. This is due in no small part to a couple of good friends I met this year. One of them, quite possibly one of the most beautiful, amazing creatures ever placed on this Earth, though she has no idea-- too far beaten-down and battered by a combination of outside forces and her own self-deprecation to see her true potential. I aim to fix that, or at the very least, alleviate some of that burden. Wouldn't want her ego getting too far out-of-control...

Also this past summer, near the peak (or the depth) of my world-shattering change, I found my Saviour. I found God. Or maybe He found me. Maybe I just finally started paying attention. I have a good feeling He was there all-along, giving me ample opportunity to accept Him into my life. I can actually recall many instances where He presented Himself to me, but I just wasn't ready, for whatever reason. Well, I'm ready now. I welcome You into my life and into my heart, Lord. I know I've made a mess of things, but through Your forgiveness and with the aid of Your strength, I will put this life back on the track it was meant to follow.

Looking at how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go, I understand that it behooves me to have positive influences in my life. Despite my best efforts, some of the negativity cannot be avoided. The aforementioned necessity of presence of certain characters in this charade forces the issue. There are those people, despite your best efforts, that will always try to drag you down. They know where your buttons are. They know how to press them. Your weaknesses. Your vulnerabilities. Ever trying to drag you back into the steaming pit that is their misery. We mustn't allow it. We must persevere. We must prevail. Like that of the phoenix- from the ashes of ruin...